I just had a birthday last week and am starting to realize that even though I feel like a retarded teenager on the inside, I am definitely a man. It’s fucking weird to think about but I know when I was like 16 and I saw a dude my age I would have definitely thought I was old. Not old in a negative sense, because honestly your 30’s are when you are young enough to still know what’s cool, but you are old enough that you don’t have to ask anyone’s permission to do anything (unless you are married) and hopefully you have enough coin in your pocket to go out and get hammered with friends or buy a new Xbox game like it’s nothing. Anyways, what I find out every year is it’s pretty fucking hard to act like a man. All your life you are told to be sensitive by your mom or sister or girlfriend and then if you become sensitive they think you are a pussy and they want you to man up again. I think the modern man also has a lot more pressure from work then men of past.
Remember in Leave it to Beaver when the Dad would come home from work and dinner would be on the table and the sun was still outside and he wasn’t catching up on work until midnight every night? I remember my Dad sitting at the kitchen table until midnight every fucking night of my life when I was growing up doing the work that was expected of him at the job that never gave him time to do the work. Sure he got paid a decent salary and I grew up with clothing and food and entertainment but at what cost? The reason I am bringing this all up is because I had the pleasure of eating dinner with my buddy last night and we just chilled and talked for a few hours and he shared a lot of shit with me that I had thought or felt in the past and I did the same. And we both left that table feeling like if guys talked about their problems with each other more often, if we weren’t so scared of being a badass in front of each other we would realize that 99% of our issues are the same as our homey next door. Girls do this shit all the time.
My wife will be on the phone for hours on end and I just assume they’re talking about the Bachelor or Victoria’s Secret or something I don’t give a shit about, but you know in that conversation they are learning shit about all of us and our weird habits and then they are prepared for us to go crazy or for us to be an asshole or whatever because their friend’s husband went nuts 3 months prior. So where is all this leading? I’m going to try to remember to share some life experiences with you young bucks to help pave the way a little smoother for your future. Lord knows I have made a ton of mistakes, and if I can help guide one of you around one of those uncomfortable moments then I will succeed. And I hope you fuckers share shit with us as well, remind the elderly what’s important and why we are so glad we aren’t pimple-faced teens anymore!!! HAHAHAHAH Anyways, here’s what I learned from last night’s conversation…
Man the fuck up. Your woman was attracted to you because you are good looking, (to her) because you tell inappropriate jokes and you say the word FUCK like it’s a noun, verb and an adjective. She secretly likes it when you beat the shit out of someone as long as it isn’t often and as long as the guy deserves it. She wants you to be 10% Dad in the way that if she fucks everything up in her life she knows you will be there to say it’s no big deal and you will take care of it. She doesn’t want you to whine (unless your are sick and she feels like she can fix you.) She wants you to know how to patch drywall, change a flat tire, and at least act like you know how to BBQ. She wants you to romance her into the sack like Cassanova but once you’re there she wants to feel like the blonde in the palm of King Kong’s hand. I know many of our lives are so far removed from our caveman, dinosaur killing ancestors, especially since most of us our hunkered down in front of a computer all day, but you need to remind her that your balls still swing lower than anyone else’s and if the shit hits the fan you will be the first to clean up the mess. At the end of the day, just like that high voiced prick in the 1950’s said: walk like a man, talk like a man, fuck like a man, fight like a man, and love like a man and you will have one happy lady…and as we all know, when your lady is happy you start to feel like