One thing enough men don’t know how to do anymore is change a flat tire. Even if you don’t own a car, there’s a good chance in your lifetime you will need to change a flat, whether it’s on your girlfriend’s car or some hot MILF on the side of the road. So, study this a bit, and always read the vehicle’s owner’s manual because each car is a little different. Yesterday, I was surprised by snow on the ground and a flat tire on my Lamborghini. Talk about bad fucking timing! As you can imagine, there’s never a good time for a flat tire, so take a few minutes now to make sure you have a spare tire that is full of air, a can of fix-a-flat, a few rags, a jack/tire iron, and most importantly the “key” to your wheel locks if you have them.
First thing to do is assess the tire. Is there a monster hole in it? If so, start getting the spare tire out. If it is just low and you think maybe you ran over a nail, bust out the fix-a-flat. I tried the fix-a-flat on mine and it started leaking out of the back of the tire…not a good sign.
[Disclaimer-everything I’m about to say sounds like sexual innuendos]
Now, before you jack up the car, you need to bust a nut! That’s right, get out your tire iron and break those suckers loose. This is a great time to show your old lady that you are in fact ripped like the Hulk. Lots of times these nuts are really hard to get off because some asshole at NTB thought he was in a pit crew with his air gun. (as an aside, if you get new tires put on your lady’s car ask to have the nuts hand tightened not put on with the impact wrench, that way if she has to change her own tire she will be able to) This is also where you might need to know if your car has wheel locks. Wheel locks have a special pattern cut into them and they come with a “key” which is an adaptor for your tire iron.
Now, each car has a special jack location. (more innuendos—your Mom’s favorite spot is the backseat! ZING!) Anyways, there is going to either be a notch or a lip about 12 inches back from the wheel.
Once your car is up off the ground, pull the remaining nuts off. Keep all of your nuts inside the hubcap so you don’t lose them. We’ve all seen the scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie says the queen mother of all curse words…Ohhhh Fudddddggeeeeeee!
Now you are ready to put the donut onto the car. Put the nuts on in a triangle pattern first and tighten them as much as you can without rocking the car. Then put the remaining nuts on in the same fashion. Once the spare tire is on and feels solid, slowly lower your car down to the ground. Then go around the nuts one more time and tighten them as hard as you can. Make sure you put the wheel and all of your tools back in the whip and get to a tire repair shop asap. Most spares aren’t designed to go over 50mph so take it easy. Now, as a courtesy to the men in denim who will be fixing your spare tire, let them know if you put fix-a-flat in it or not, otherwise they will get a load shot all over them.
I hope this helps most of you out in the future, and I sincerely hope none of you have to change a flat in the snow…IT FUCKING SUCKS!!! And if I forgot any innuendos, please add them into the comments section.