June 8, 2023

5 ways to beat the heat in Boston

IT’S HOTTER THAN A WITCHES TITTY IN A BRASS BRA OUT THERE! Just ask those Wiccans up in Salem if you don’t believe me. Anyways, your friends here at TTHU have some ideas on how you can beat the heat this Summer in Boston.

#1 Don’t wear black. I know you live in Allston and you can’t live without your black skinny jeans and your black Vans and your black punk t-shirt, but it is 90 degrees and sunny as fuck and that shit is just absorbing the heat and not letting your balls breathe. Plus the rest of us have to stand next to you in line and smell your funk since you haven’t washed your clothing in months.

#2 Invite a friend to bathe with you. Find that special lady and tell her you are going to have a pool day and ask her to meet you over at your apartment. When she gets there and asks where the pool is take her into the bathroom where you have the bathtub filled with lukewarm water and a few inner tubes. When she laughs invite her to fornicate.

#3 Become Religious! You know that massive wading pool at the Christian Science center? I bet you didn’t know it was legal to baptize people there now did you? Well, I’m not 100% positive it is but if you act like you aren’t having that good of a time and promise you are only there to feel the spirit, you might get away with it.

#4 Swim in the Charles River! Now, you may tell me this is unsafe for a variety of reasons, but that is the point. When the cops and ambulance come to fish you out, you will either get an air-conditioned ride to the station or the hospital, which are also air-conditioned! A win, win!

#5 Wear a Proletariat T-shirt. It is a proven fact that people who wear Proletariat shirts get more action than people who wear garbage bags…and usually when you get some ass you end up taking your shirt off, which in turn makes you cooler.

Now, put this advice to work and stay cool this summer!

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