October 19, 2020

How To Win At Valentine’s Day : HE SAID

Ok Ladies,

I’m not trying to be a dick, but Valentine’s Day is fucking bullshit. Now, before anyone gets their panties in a wad or says to themselves that’s a typical male response, let me explain myself. Valentine’s Day is too big to succeed. We are all bombarded with commercials of men buying 4 figure rings for this holiday every 7 minutes. You hear stories of men buying their women 100 dozen roses and have them sent to their significant other’s office to make everyone else look like a dick. Like or not, no matter how modern of a woman you are, you are already guaranteed to be let down by your s.o. on Valentine’s Day. Meanwhile, most women get away with doing absolutely nothing for their partner on this horrid day. So that leaves men with a terrible attitude towards the “holiday” and usually when we know we are going to fail we put in minimal effort, because if we are going to lose anyways we might as well have a little of our paycheck left in the bank.

Now, even though I just did, I don’t want to characterize ALL women as impossible to please, but I would like to ask all women to try something new this year. Don’t have any HIGH expectations. If your man works at Newbury Comics and doesn’t bring you a diamond ring, don’t be surprised! Do you really want him to take on more debt and then not get you something nice down the road or just be stressed all the time about his ring payment? If you expect him to take you to a 4 star restaurant and he takes you to a 3 instead, you will be disappointed. If you imagine him showing up in a suit and he’s wearing a nice sweater instead, you will be disappointed. And disappointment leads to arguments and arguments lead to fights and what’s the fucking point THIS IS A GOD DAMN MADE UP HOLIDAY! Oh, it isn’t? Then tell me the significance of Valentines Day…I thought so.

Ok, I’m sure I have lost every single female reader by now, but for those of you who wish to succeed, here’s how you make your man happy on Valentine’s Day.

1. Help a brother out. If a man asks you if such and such sounds good for V-day and you don’t think it sounds good but you do have an idea of what does — let him know in advance! You expecting a nicer dinner than usual…let him know a few good options! You want to eat in and watch a stupid movie? Let him know what chick flick sounds sick! Please remember that you have a companion who WANTS to give you a good Valentine’s Day, and it’s in the middle of a week so you aren’t getting flown to Vegas. Just because you thought about what you wanted and he didn’t think of it first, does not mean that he isn’t thoughtful, he has just been down the Valentines Highway to Hell before and is scared of screwing up again with you.

2. Make him feel special! The best way to do this is to get at him early. Give him some Valentine’s Day sex the night before (and the night of, of course), or if you aren’t doing that yet, get him a box of his favorite candy with a sweet note, or his favorite coffee or some shit the morning of Valentine’s Day. If you start the party the night before or the morning of, it will kickstart him into full Casanova mode, and all day long he will be thinking of how to make it a great day for his lady. I think a lot of women have decided that Valentine’s Day is their day, and if it’s really a celebration of love than that is bullshit and you will end up celebrating at home with your Rabbit
and a huge tub of ice cream.

3. Be thankful. So the guy got you a bouquet of flowers from the grocery store…he’s a fucking barista! What do you expect when he makes $12 an hour? Also, does he usually get you flowers at all? No! So be grateful. There’s nothing worse than doing your best with what you got and having it be not good enough, because not only does your night suck but you are also out the cash. Double LOSE!

That’s it ladies. That’s all I got. I hope all of you have a successful Valentine’s Day and for those of you who don’t, it’s because you didn’t follow my advice, so fuck off. 😉 As for the single people out there crying because they don’t have to deal with this shit, get over yourself. Valentine’s Day is second to weddings as an easy way to get laid so take full advantage of it and do nasty things with those candy hearts.

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