February 3, 2023

Winterize your car!


Exactly one week ago I woke up with a flat tire frozen to the ground. Awesome! Today I woke up to a car that wouldn’t start, well, actually Leslie woke up to the car that wouldn’t start — called me 400 times to come fix it, but I was sound asleep in my warm cozy bed. Sorry babe. Anyways, this brought to my attention that living in the arctic North you have to do things, unthinkable disgusting things, to make sure your car runs all winter long.


1. Winterize your fluids – Most cars run on 10w30 oil, but up here, where it gets really cold you might want to drop down to 5w30. Consult your owner’s manual or mechanic before having your next oil change. The weight of the oil makes it more fluid upon startup when your car is at its lowest operating temperature. You could also go to full synthetic oil but that costs a lot more money.


2. Battery – Your battery is of the utmost importance in the winter. A dead battery means your car won’t start without a jump. It also means you might die of freezing to death without the radio on which would be a sad way to go. I will probably be buying a new battery today and this is something you don’t want to go cheap on. I will add it to my list of things that you should never cheap out on: toilet paper, tattoos, plastic surgery, condoms and car batteries.


3. Dry Gas aka HEET – Not only is HEET perfect for making Meth, it is also great for making sure your gasoline doesn’t freeze in the gas lines. Nowadays, ethanol is put into gasoline at gas stations, and this works the same way as HEET, so depending on where you live you may or may not need to add HEET if ethanol is already mixed into your gas. Check the pump for percentages next time you fill up, and if you want to be safe, try to add the HEET before you fill up so it will mix properly. Also, try to park you car flat or on a decline so your fuel pump doesn’t have to work as hard.


4. Monitor your driving habits – I only drive a few miles everyday. Many times when I get home the car still hasn’t even heated up. However, I am running a stereo, heater and lights and possibly not giving my battery enough time to recharge through the engine’s alternator. Sometimes you need to save up all of your trips not only to conserve fuel but also to make sure your car heats up and recharges properly.


5. Winter Safety Kit – Look we have all seen one of those lifetime movies where some chick drives off the road in Fargo and then some weird backwoods dude picks her up and puts her in his sex dungeon for like 20 years. Do you really want that to happen to you? Here’s what you need to keep in your winter trunk kit. A warm ass blanket. This is good for roadside humpage AND not freezing to death! A big bottle of water (hopefully it won’t be a big bottle of ice), extra clothing (gloves, warm socks, sweats), road flares to attract attention, a jug of kitty litter for traction, a small shovel (to dig out), a flashlight, and finally a cell phone. And if you were McGyver you could probably make a more efficient car than Chevrolet with all this shit.

Drive safe and stay warm, I’m off to buy a battery!

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