1. Blow your nose as much as possible. The mucus in your head doesn’t want to stay in your head. Your head fucking sucks. It is a mucus cesspool and all that mucus curses the day it was born. Get it the fuck out. I usually keep a 32oz empty Gatorade bottle next to me with the screw top and just hock as many loogies as possible into it. This keeps the mucus from spreading its germs around the world and it’s fun to see how many ounces of snot you can collect.
2. Take off work and rest! Would your boss rather you have 3 solid days off work where you get super better or would he rather you come in and infect the whole staff who will now either take a fuckload of days off collectively or will just play solitaire and shop eBay because they feel so bad? Get a warm blanket and sleep as much as possible.
3. Gargle With Salt Water 4 times a day! Fuck..this shit has been beaten into me by my mom for 30 years! Gargling can moisten a sore throat and as you know salt is an awesome healer. Take one teaspoon of salt and dissolve it in a cup of warm water, 4 times a day. If you have the tickle in your throat gargle with a tea that contains tannin, aka green tea.
4. Drink plenty of hot liquids. You gotta piss all those germs out son! Hot liquids relieve nasal congestion and keep the body from dehydrating. Also, it lets everyone else know you are sick which gets you pity.
5. Take a steamy shower. It’s another way to relieve nasal congestion and it gets that sick film off of your skin for a while. Plus, you probably stink like shit from sitting around on the couch going through sweat spells.
6. VICKS VAPO RUB! Never masturbate with this shit…but if your nose is stuffed up, give yourself a donkey punch of a little VVR! It’s gross, it smells like old people and it’s a surefire way to fuck with your cat or dog who has no idea what is fucking with their eyes. Fun for the whole family!
7. Prop yourself up when you sleep! Make a recliner out of pillows or sleep in your dad’s recliner. Let all that mucus flow down towards your ass while you sleep.
8. Smoke a little weed or better yet, eat some. The smoking might mess with your throat but the eating might mess with your brain! Either way, within minutes all the symptoms that plagues you throughout the day will fade away and you will enjoy a few hours before swiftly falling asleep. Also, the weed will make you hungry and thirsty which is good for you!
9. Masturbate. I know it sounds weird but I think you should get rid of all the sickness in your body especially your little swimmers who have the cold too. Plus, this is a great way to ignore your cold and get tired for your long afternoon nap. It also might be the only 5 minutes of your miserable day you will actually enjoy.
And while you are sick, look through our archives and give yourself a little TTHU time!