7 Ways To Stay Warm This Winter

As we all know it is fucking cold outside. I don’t know where you live, but unless you live in Miami your teeth are probably chattering a little bit. And if you do live in Miami, enjoy the heat because when the Hurricanes come we will remind you even your home has its nasty side.

The first way to get warm quick, is to do something really stupid. Nothing makes you warmer than some serious embarrassment. Accidentally fart in public, trip getting on the bus, fall asleep in class, you get the picture.

One of my favorite things about the winter is Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa with the rock hard marshmallows. I love the shit out of those sticky treats.

Next up is part of my nightly routine. Not blowing my brains out, just blowing hot air up my shirt with my lady’s hairdryer. It isn’t glamorous, but it works.

Now, if you have gone through all three of these ways, it’s time to take a hot shower. Close the door to the bathroom, turn the water up to 11 and just stand there.

After you get all clean and you wash yo butt, and you still aren’t warm it’s time to take drastic measures. I know you don’t want to hear this, because none of you are into this at all, but you gotta have some crazy ass sex. (unless you are a kid and then you can’t have sex because your schools & government teach you abstinence) So for the consenting adults it is time to get freaky diki.

So, now you have had some good old American fun…relax and make yourself a hot toddy. All you need is some honey, lemon, and some brandy and you will be feeling warm AND sleepy!

Finally, you need a good hoody. Any of them will do, but I heard from a friend that Proletariat hoodies are proven to be 37% warmer than other brands. It might just be a rumor though.